Back to School!

I can not believe that it is that time of year already. Summer has come and gone so quickly and now it is time to move on to different things. that makes me both sad and a little excited. There are so many things that we have enjoyed this past summer- our swimming pool, Rick taking the summer off from College, the girls trip to Utah with their grandparents to visit their father and family, Gabriel's father coming to visit him here, Rick and I getting to slip away to Utah (just the two of us) for my brothers sealing and to see loved ones, not to mention the friends and family who visited us, the play days, the picnics, the movie days and all of the yardwork! It has been a jam packed summer and we have loved- loved- loved it!

We are all excited about the changes that are taking place in our home this year and Rick begins another year of college at Missouri Western State university, as Sarah begins high school and as my Gabriel- my boy- enters Kindergarten. I can not believe that at 34 years old I have a husband in college, a high schooler, a junior high student, a kindergartener, a terrible 2 and a 1 year old! Just typing it all out makes me tired and I admit that I do have a hard time keeping up with all of their different needs but I LOVE it and wouldn't change it for anything.

Sarah is loving high school- especially her language and french classes. she dropped Band this year because she has taken it and nothing else for years and wanted to try something new. Gabriel is kind of quiet about kindergarten- I know that he is not very fond of 'Resting his mind and his body' after lunchtime and he says that he does 'not know how to eat fast' at lunch. He seems to like his teacher and most of the other kids so I guess it is going well. He can write his entire name by himself now and wonders why I didn't name him something 'short'.

The babies keep Rachel and I on our toes- I say Rachel because she has decided to school at home again this year and because he health has been so good since we pulled her out I agreed. She loves going to my Aunt Susans to do a few classes like Horticulture and reading. she loves planting things and watching them grow. She gets her school work done quickly and then is off to read the next book in whatever series she has discovered- lately it has been Harry Potter.

Ammon is definitely a 'terrible two' and is into everything ALL of the time. I barely get one mess cleaned up before he has created another. He loves the movie CARS and is into everything that has to do with it or with Mater. He is talking more and more everyday and loves telling his baby sister 'NO KIMMIE!' Kymball is the most feisty one year old that I have ever had. She is bossy as all get out and wants what she wants when she wants it. She is into throwing fits right now and has become very good at it. She loves music and dancing and snuggling. She gives great hugs and prefers to be held rather than walking. She is a Daddy's girl and already knows how to work that to her advantage. There is never a dull moment at our house!

Girls Day Out!

My girls (Sarah & Rachel) are getting ready for a trip with their paternal Grandparents (The Stanfords) out to Nebraska and then to stay with their Daddy in Utah. Thanks to their Grandparents this has kind of become a summer tradition and the girls LOVE it! They spend weeks talking about what they are going to pack and giving their father lists of places they want to eat, people they want to visit and things that they want to do. Then there is the regular habit of laying out piles of clothes and getting out the suitcases 2 weeks in advance so everyone in the house is stumbling and stepping over them until the girls leave. As the day to leave gets closer the pile of clothes in slowly whittled down by Mommy and the girls are becoming more and more excited as Mommy is becoming more and more anxious. There are more texts and phone calls between girls and Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, friends and Daddy. Richard and I constantly find the girls with their phones and thank out lucky stars for our unlimited cell phone plans. 1,376 texts so far this month and I believe it is only the 15th! We did the whole- 'I have to get my haircut before I go' step a few days ago and the girls are very excited about their new looks. Last night as we began to actually select the few outfits I will let them take and put them into their suitcase it became very apparent that I have been failing as a mother. Somehow Rachel has made it this far into the summer without a single pair of capri's and 1 pair of jean shorts. She always looks so cute that I never noticed and sweet girl that she is she never complained. She had NOTHING to pack except shirts- all hand me downs from Sarah. My sweet husband noting how sad this made me and knowing how upset I was that it was getting closer to 'departure time' suggested I take the girls out for a 'Girls Day' and go shopping. He offered to stay with the boys until he had to go to work while we take off and have some 'Girl Time'.

This morning we girls headed off for some fun. We took Kymball along because she is so cute and we didn't want to leave her with the 'boring ol' boys'. The girls were starving by the time we reached Liberty so we grabbed some lunch and then headed over to Kohls- the girls favorite shopping spot. We found too many cute things and the girls had a great time playing dress up. With the clearance/sales and coupons I had we were able to get 3 pairs of capri's, a pair of shorts, 3 tank tops, 5 shirts and 2 bracelets for under $150. The girls were thrilled and we found some really cute things so it was time to go home, hurry and wash it all and pack it up for tomorrow. This evening has been spent accessorizing the new outfits with jewelry, hair things & shoes and I have loved every minute of watching them have fun. As it gets closer and closer to tomorrow I find my heart aching more and more. I am so grateful that my girls have such a wonderful family that tries to keep the girls involved with their family vacations and trips. I am very blessed that my girls have a father who will make time for them any time that he can and will do all that he can to see them as often as possible. I am so happy for the fun and special moments that lay waiting for my sweet girls and I am excited at the break that they are about to enjoy but I will miss them more than I can express. They are 2 of my best little friends and I will be anxiously awaiting any phone call, text or message from them until they are home with me again. It has been a great day and I am sad to see it end and bring tomorrow with it already. Oh well.... I guess the faster they leave the faster they will be back home with me. Let the fun begin....

The Truth...

I have been debating whether or not to post lately and if I should post what is really going on in my life. Sometimes things are not as pretty as they seem from the outside and people do not always want to know the truth. Sometimes the truth is embarrassing and even hard for others to understand. Sometimes the truth is painful and opens you up to criticism instead of help and support. But I believe in the truth. I don't believe in hiding who I am- while I may not offer information on every mistake that I have made I will tell you the truth about them and anything else if you ask or if it comes up. I do not believe in hiding what I have done or the lessons that I have learned because it has helped make me a better person and is helping to make me a better person. I am who I am- and YES I am a huge work in progress but I don't believe in pretending everything is 'sunshine and roses' all of the time. I do believe in looking for the positive in everything and trying to make whatever situation you are in better. Anyway- Sometimes talking about what is 'really' going on in someones life and what they are 'really' going through is not what people want to hear so I have put off writing about life lately- but sometimes honesty brings help, suggestions and even the answer that you are so desperately hunting for so I will write....
Something in me has changed. Something is very wrong and I feel like I can not get my doctor to take me seriously. For months I have been unable to sleep- even when the babies sleep all night. I am exhausted before I even wake up when I do sleep. I have NO energy and no desire to do anything to help improve the situation. I wake up with headaches. I ache all of the time from head to toe. My immune system is shot and I have had cold/flu like symptoms for months. I can not unwind. I can not relax. I dont care if I get dressed. In fact- I dont want to get dressed because it is too much work. I dread the kids waking up and the day ahead because it means that I have to do stuff. I used to LOVE those early morning wake ups full of smiles and hugs and 'welcome to the day' moments and now I hide. I have always LOVED playing with my kids and looked forward to all of the days adventures and funny moments with them. Now- I just want to watch from a distance, not get down and play on the floor with them. NOT ME!
I don't do housework- and for anyone that knows me that is VERY out of character. I don't want to cook- or go out with friends- again TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER. I am not happy but I am not sad... EVER! I don't feel anything. I put on a smiley face and try to act the way that I know I am supposed to be acting when I know I am supposed to but I don't FEEL anything. I find excuses not to go anywhere or see anyone because getting ready to leave the house is so much work and then putting on the happy face and playing the role that I know I am expected to play is exhausting.
I dont care if my phone never rings. I don't care if I ever see people. I am irritable and find myself getting very upset over things that would normally not phase me. I can not concentrate on anything. I can not focus on anything. I can not tune out any noise and get overwhelmed just by sound. I can not read because I can not tune out all of life's noises and I can not focus and get my 'head' to be quiet. I have no patience and find myself very angry over things that would never have affected me before. I can not think. I can not function.
I am desperate not to feel this way anymore. I am desperate to be ME again and to have my life and my joy back. I have been trying for months to 'get over it' to 'deal with it' and to 'move on' but I simply can not force this away. I have been trying vitamins and herbs. I have been going to my Chiropractor. I have been making myself get up and get moving. I went to my doctor and opened up to her to have her guess at meds, tell me that my Seratonin is low from having so many babies so quickly and then put me on medication that made me sleep all day every day. I went back to be told that I need to see a specialist and that they would call me to set up an appointment- that was over 3 weeks ago. Yes- I have been calling back to remind them.
I am stuck. Stuck in this hole that I can not seem to pull myself out of despite my best efforts. Yes it is affecting my friendships, my marriage & my children. Yes- I am embarrassed. Yes- it sucks. Yes- I am becoming desperate and hopeless. Yes- I am saying my prayers and reading my scriptures... I don't care what you say sometimes that does not FIX everything. No- this is not something I have brought on myself by living wickedly so save those judgments for yourself. This is my life and this is my truth right now and I am searching....
The positive in all of this is that I am SURE there is an answer- a balance that I have not found. A mineral or vitamin or chemical even that I am missing and I just have to get help and get it figured out. My husband has been amazingly loving and supportive- while he doesn't really understand he is patient and encouraging. My children have been amazing and YES I have gently explained to the older ones that something is 'off' in Mommy right now and we are trying to get it figured out so we can 'fix' it. My parents, even though they are in Russia, have been supportive, helpful and encouraging- I don't know what I would do without them, their love and advice. They are my support system. So there is the positive- my wonderful parents, amazing husband and awesome children, the Gospel that reminds me of God's love and to hope and the desire that I have to get this figured out and get back to being me. Like it or don't- there is the Truth of it.

Missouri Weather

One thing about living here in Missouri that you have to kind of expect to be crazy is the weather. Today is a beautiful 74' and tomorrow is expected to be in the high 90's with an advisable heat warning for the next 5 days. There are beautiful horrible storms on days that began without a cloud in the sky & there are days that begin thunderously and end up clear and bright. I am used to storms that build and leave with clear, crisp, cooler weather behind... here it is often the opposite. It will be just as hot and muggy after the storm, if not more so. One thing I do love about the weather is that you can watch it coming- the skies out here are so vast and you can see so far that you can literally watch a storm moving towards you. Sometimes it is like they show in movies where you look up to see a storm off in the distance and within minutes it is overhead- which is amazing to watch happen. Other storms linger in the distance, slowly making their way toward you and give you enough time to finish your yard work, clean up & get inside. The clouds are beautiful even when they are swirling in different directions over head- which is a good sign that you have perfect conditions for a tornado & the lightening storms, while fierce, are a beautiful display. The worst thing about the weather our here is the wind. Some nights it sounds as though it is going to take the roof off or blow the windows in on top of us- LITERALLY. Those are the nights we usually spend time in the 'safe room' or all of the kids end up in our bedroom. The wind is the worst part for sure. The kids love taking pictures of the clouds so we thought we would post a few of our favorites from the storms this month- enjoy!

Babies Birthday BBQ!

We were blessed this past weekend with a family birthday celebration for the babies. Ammon turned 2 and Kymball turned 1. We had Grandparents, Great Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and friends that feel like family come celebrate with us.
There were family members that could not be there and they were missed but we understand the miles and calls of life. Just know that we were thinking of you, we were missing you and we love you!
We enjoyed lots of good food, good conversation and great company. While some chatted inside, others lounged and jumped on the trampoline and others splashed and played in the swimming pool.
The swimming pool is pretty much where everyone ended up and we are so grateful that we made the purchase. We had such a good time that we figure the pool has already paid for itself.
Thank you everyone for coming to celebrate with us, for loving the babies and for giving up time on your weekend to show your support and share your company. We Love Ya!!!

Goodbye Good Girl!

I debated whether or not to post about the loss of our family pet and decided that I would. This blog is about our life and the things going on in it. When my children look back and read it I want them to remember and I want them to be reminded.
Last night our family dog Cassie went home. She hasn't been herself lately and we could tell that she wasn't feeling well. Cassie came to us as a puppy, we have had her as a part of our family for almost 13 years. She joined our family in Utah and has been part of our family through new babies, moves, marriages, divorces, good day and bad days. She was a bouncy, floppy puppy and we loved watching her run. She was a good dog and produced 2 litters of darling puppies.
She has always watched over us and been a good protector. A few summers ago right after the kids and I moved to Missouri we were out working in the garden and a dog came charging at me ready and fully intent on attacking. I yelled at the kids to get in the chicken area and close the gate while I was looking for something to grab to defend myself with. Cassie, who was nowhere to be found moments before, came charging out of nowhere and put herself between me and the oncoming assault. She was fierce in defending me and would not let me come to her defense as she took on the attack from the other dog. Cassie kept herself between the other dog and us while fighting and while pushing it away from our property giving me the room and the time to run the children into the house. By the time that I got teh children inside, grabbed and loaded the gun Cassie had herded and fought the dog off of our property. We were safe. She came home bleeding and a little torn up but you could tell she was more concerned about checking on us. She was covered in hugs and thank you's. You could tell that she knew she did her job and that she was proud of the job that she did. She was a GOOD GIRL! I will never forget knowing that danger was charging me & my children in the face & my GOOD GIRL charging in to save the day.
She made us laugh a lot. She hated Toads and Frogs! when we first moved to Missouri she would bark and bark and bark at them like they were aliens trying to invade our home planet. We could not get her to shut up! That summer it was so hot that I bought a children's wading pool to play in for the days that we could not make it into town to go swimming. the first day I filled up the pool I went out to check on it to see if it was all of the way full and it was torn to pieces! Cassie was attacking our pool! I could not figure out what had gotten into her. I thought she had gone mad- had rabies maybe. Nope- there were cartoon pictures of cute froggies on the side of the pool and Cassie had to protect her family! We still laugh over that one quite often.
Cassie walked our property line every morning and every night. She patrolled our land at night and watched over the house when we were gone. she always knew where the kids were and kept us all in her line of sight. She is the first 'real' pet that my family has had and loved. I will always love her and be grateful for all of her help taking care of my family. She was a GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL CASSIE!

My Ammon is turning 2!!!

My Ammon is about to turn 2 years old! He is a light and a joy to our family. He is smart, funny, naughty and doesn't sit still for a moment. If there is something he wants he is going to find a way to get it or get you to give in and get it for him. He is a flirt and a charmer and has the ladies wrapped around his little finger everywhere we go.





He loves music and being outside. He would eat, sleep and live outside in ALL weather if I let him. He likes animals and the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse cartoon.





He likes to talk and play ball and is not afraid to chew you out if he thinks you are being mean. He has a killer smile and gives some of the best kisses around. He already plays jokes and thinks it is funny to scare his Mommy. His favorite thing to eat is M&M candies, and even though Poppa is in Russia, Ammon knows how to get on SKYPE and get Poppa to tell Mommy to get him some.





He is my most favorite Ammon ever and the most darling blonde haired, blue eyed boy I have ever had. He makes me laugh and he makes me laugh harder.


I love you my Ammon and wish you a very Happy 2nd Birthday!!!!!