Girls Day Out!

My girls (Sarah & Rachel) are getting ready for a trip with their paternal Grandparents (The Stanfords) out to Nebraska and then to stay with their Daddy in Utah. Thanks to their Grandparents this has kind of become a summer tradition and the girls LOVE it! They spend weeks talking about what they are going to pack and giving their father lists of places they want to eat, people they want to visit and things that they want to do. Then there is the regular habit of laying out piles of clothes and getting out the suitcases 2 weeks in advance so everyone in the house is stumbling and stepping over them until the girls leave. As the day to leave gets closer the pile of clothes in slowly whittled down by Mommy and the girls are becoming more and more excited as Mommy is becoming more and more anxious. There are more texts and phone calls between girls and Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, friends and Daddy. Richard and I constantly find the girls with their phones and thank out lucky stars for our unlimited cell phone plans. 1,376 texts so far this month and I believe it is only the 15th! We did the whole- 'I have to get my haircut before I go' step a few days ago and the girls are very excited about their new looks. Last night as we began to actually select the few outfits I will let them take and put them into their suitcase it became very apparent that I have been failing as a mother. Somehow Rachel has made it this far into the summer without a single pair of capri's and 1 pair of jean shorts. She always looks so cute that I never noticed and sweet girl that she is she never complained. She had NOTHING to pack except shirts- all hand me downs from Sarah. My sweet husband noting how sad this made me and knowing how upset I was that it was getting closer to 'departure time' suggested I take the girls out for a 'Girls Day' and go shopping. He offered to stay with the boys until he had to go to work while we take off and have some 'Girl Time'.

This morning we girls headed off for some fun. We took Kymball along because she is so cute and we didn't want to leave her with the 'boring ol' boys'. The girls were starving by the time we reached Liberty so we grabbed some lunch and then headed over to Kohls- the girls favorite shopping spot. We found too many cute things and the girls had a great time playing dress up. With the clearance/sales and coupons I had we were able to get 3 pairs of capri's, a pair of shorts, 3 tank tops, 5 shirts and 2 bracelets for under $150. The girls were thrilled and we found some really cute things so it was time to go home, hurry and wash it all and pack it up for tomorrow. This evening has been spent accessorizing the new outfits with jewelry, hair things & shoes and I have loved every minute of watching them have fun. As it gets closer and closer to tomorrow I find my heart aching more and more. I am so grateful that my girls have such a wonderful family that tries to keep the girls involved with their family vacations and trips. I am very blessed that my girls have a father who will make time for them any time that he can and will do all that he can to see them as often as possible. I am so happy for the fun and special moments that lay waiting for my sweet girls and I am excited at the break that they are about to enjoy but I will miss them more than I can express. They are 2 of my best little friends and I will be anxiously awaiting any phone call, text or message from them until they are home with me again. It has been a great day and I am sad to see it end and bring tomorrow with it already. Oh well.... I guess the faster they leave the faster they will be back home with me. Let the fun begin....

The Truth...

I have been debating whether or not to post lately and if I should post what is really going on in my life. Sometimes things are not as pretty as they seem from the outside and people do not always want to know the truth. Sometimes the truth is embarrassing and even hard for others to understand. Sometimes the truth is painful and opens you up to criticism instead of help and support. But I believe in the truth. I don't believe in hiding who I am- while I may not offer information on every mistake that I have made I will tell you the truth about them and anything else if you ask or if it comes up. I do not believe in hiding what I have done or the lessons that I have learned because it has helped make me a better person and is helping to make me a better person. I am who I am- and YES I am a huge work in progress but I don't believe in pretending everything is 'sunshine and roses' all of the time. I do believe in looking for the positive in everything and trying to make whatever situation you are in better. Anyway- Sometimes talking about what is 'really' going on in someones life and what they are 'really' going through is not what people want to hear so I have put off writing about life lately- but sometimes honesty brings help, suggestions and even the answer that you are so desperately hunting for so I will write....
Something in me has changed. Something is very wrong and I feel like I can not get my doctor to take me seriously. For months I have been unable to sleep- even when the babies sleep all night. I am exhausted before I even wake up when I do sleep. I have NO energy and no desire to do anything to help improve the situation. I wake up with headaches. I ache all of the time from head to toe. My immune system is shot and I have had cold/flu like symptoms for months. I can not unwind. I can not relax. I dont care if I get dressed. In fact- I dont want to get dressed because it is too much work. I dread the kids waking up and the day ahead because it means that I have to do stuff. I used to LOVE those early morning wake ups full of smiles and hugs and 'welcome to the day' moments and now I hide. I have always LOVED playing with my kids and looked forward to all of the days adventures and funny moments with them. Now- I just want to watch from a distance, not get down and play on the floor with them. NOT ME!
I don't do housework- and for anyone that knows me that is VERY out of character. I don't want to cook- or go out with friends- again TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER. I am not happy but I am not sad... EVER! I don't feel anything. I put on a smiley face and try to act the way that I know I am supposed to be acting when I know I am supposed to but I don't FEEL anything. I find excuses not to go anywhere or see anyone because getting ready to leave the house is so much work and then putting on the happy face and playing the role that I know I am expected to play is exhausting.
I dont care if my phone never rings. I don't care if I ever see people. I am irritable and find myself getting very upset over things that would normally not phase me. I can not concentrate on anything. I can not focus on anything. I can not tune out any noise and get overwhelmed just by sound. I can not read because I can not tune out all of life's noises and I can not focus and get my 'head' to be quiet. I have no patience and find myself very angry over things that would never have affected me before. I can not think. I can not function.
I am desperate not to feel this way anymore. I am desperate to be ME again and to have my life and my joy back. I have been trying for months to 'get over it' to 'deal with it' and to 'move on' but I simply can not force this away. I have been trying vitamins and herbs. I have been going to my Chiropractor. I have been making myself get up and get moving. I went to my doctor and opened up to her to have her guess at meds, tell me that my Seratonin is low from having so many babies so quickly and then put me on medication that made me sleep all day every day. I went back to be told that I need to see a specialist and that they would call me to set up an appointment- that was over 3 weeks ago. Yes- I have been calling back to remind them.
I am stuck. Stuck in this hole that I can not seem to pull myself out of despite my best efforts. Yes it is affecting my friendships, my marriage & my children. Yes- I am embarrassed. Yes- it sucks. Yes- I am becoming desperate and hopeless. Yes- I am saying my prayers and reading my scriptures... I don't care what you say sometimes that does not FIX everything. No- this is not something I have brought on myself by living wickedly so save those judgments for yourself. This is my life and this is my truth right now and I am searching....
The positive in all of this is that I am SURE there is an answer- a balance that I have not found. A mineral or vitamin or chemical even that I am missing and I just have to get help and get it figured out. My husband has been amazingly loving and supportive- while he doesn't really understand he is patient and encouraging. My children have been amazing and YES I have gently explained to the older ones that something is 'off' in Mommy right now and we are trying to get it figured out so we can 'fix' it. My parents, even though they are in Russia, have been supportive, helpful and encouraging- I don't know what I would do without them, their love and advice. They are my support system. So there is the positive- my wonderful parents, amazing husband and awesome children, the Gospel that reminds me of God's love and to hope and the desire that I have to get this figured out and get back to being me. Like it or don't- there is the Truth of it.