I have been debating whether or not to post lately and if I should post what is really going on in my life. Sometimes things are not as pretty as they seem from the outside and people do not always want to know the truth. Sometimes the truth is embarrassing and even hard for others to understand. Sometimes the truth is painful and opens you up to criticism instead of help and support. But I believe in the truth. I don't believe in hiding who I am- while I may not offer information on every mistake that I have made I will tell you the truth about them and anything else if you ask or if it comes up. I do not believe in hiding what I have done or the lessons that I have learned because it has helped make me a better person and is helping to make me a better person. I am who I am- and YES I am a huge work in progress but I don't believe in pretending everything is 'sunshine and roses' all of the time. I do believe in looking for the positive in everything and trying to make whatever situation you are in better. Anyway- Sometimes talking about what is 'really' going on in someones life and what they are 'really' going through is not what people want to hear so I have put off writing about life lately- but sometimes honesty brings help, suggestions and even the answer that you are so desperately hunting for so I will write....
Something in me has changed. Something is very wrong and I feel like I can not get my doctor to take me seriously. For months I have been unable to sleep- even when the babies sleep all night. I am exhausted before I even wake up when I do sleep. I have NO energy and no desire to do anything to help improve the situation. I wake up with headaches. I ache all of the time from head to toe. My immune system is shot and I have had cold/flu like symptoms for months. I can not unwind. I can not relax. I dont care if I get dressed. In fact- I dont want to get dressed because it is too much work. I dread the kids waking up and the day ahead because it means that I have to do stuff. I used to LOVE those early morning wake ups full of smiles and hugs and 'welcome to the day' moments and now I hide. I have always LOVED playing with my kids and looked forward to all of the days adventures and funny moments with them. Now- I just want to watch from a distance, not get down and play on the floor with them. NOT ME!
I don't do housework- and for anyone that knows me that is VERY out of character. I don't want to cook- or go out with friends- again TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER. I am not happy but I am not sad... EVER! I don't feel anything. I put on a smiley face and try to act the way that I know I am supposed to be acting when I know I am supposed to but I don't FEEL anything. I find excuses not to go anywhere or see anyone because getting ready to leave the house is so much work and then putting on the happy face and playing the role that I know I am expected to play is exhausting.
I dont care if my phone never rings. I don't care if I ever see people. I am irritable and find myself getting very upset over things that would normally not phase me. I can not concentrate on anything. I can not focus on anything. I can not tune out any noise and get overwhelmed just by sound. I can not read because I can not tune out all of life's noises and I can not focus and get my 'head' to be quiet. I have no patience and find myself very angry over things that would never have affected me before. I can not think. I can not function.
I am desperate not to feel this way anymore. I am desperate to be ME again and to have my life and my joy back. I have been trying for months to 'get over it' to 'deal with it' and to 'move on' but I simply can not force this away. I have been trying vitamins and herbs. I have been going to my Chiropractor. I have been making myself get up and get moving. I went to my doctor and opened up to her to have her guess at meds, tell me that my Seratonin is low from having so many babies so quickly and then put me on medication that made me sleep all day every day. I went back to be told that I need to see a specialist and that they would call me to set up an appointment- that was over 3 weeks ago. Yes- I have been calling back to remind them.
I am stuck. Stuck in this hole that I can not seem to pull myself out of despite my best efforts. Yes it is affecting my friendships, my marriage & my children. Yes- I am embarrassed. Yes- it sucks. Yes- I am becoming desperate and hopeless. Yes- I am saying my prayers and reading my scriptures... I don't care what you say sometimes that does not FIX everything. No- this is not something I have brought on myself by living wickedly so save those judgments for yourself. This is my life and this is my truth right now and I am searching....
The positive in all of this is that I am SURE there is an answer- a balance that I have not found. A mineral or vitamin or chemical even that I am missing and I just have to get help and get it figured out. My husband has been amazingly loving and supportive- while he doesn't really understand he is patient and encouraging. My children have been amazing and YES I have gently explained to the older ones that something is 'off' in Mommy right now and we are trying to get it figured out so we can 'fix' it. My parents, even though they are in Russia, have been supportive, helpful and encouraging- I don't know what I would do without them, their love and advice. They are my support system. So there is the positive- my wonderful parents, amazing husband and awesome children, the Gospel that reminds me of God's love and to hope and the desire that I have to get this figured out and get back to being me. Like it or don't- there is the Truth of it.
4 comments:
Kathryn, I had no idea. Did you know that they've done sleep studies on one of the Isagenix products in our product line? Ionix Supreme. Listen my dear, I will get you a bottle at Wholesale if you want to give it a whirl. I know how some people feel about health products, especially when distributed through network marketing...but I'm a believer in this stuff. Call me.
My dear friend, it just KILLS me that I am so far away from you. Yes, this is NOT you at all. (Seriously, you are one of the most hard working, fun people to be around.) Have you sought out different opinions? Different doctors? Let me know how I can help. I put your name on the prayer roll at the temple today, don't know why, but now I do. I will pray for you. Please call me any time. I am ALWAYS home. I miss spending time with you and love you dearly. :-)
Sounds like some pretty serious depression, Kathryn. I understand, really I do. Been there myself lately. In fact, parts of your blog are extremely similar to one I wrote but never posted about a month ago. So it looks like we are going down a similar road. I think that you are incredibly brave to post this. May help someone else not feel so alone. And you are 100% correct...this isn't something you can control on your own. There is a common misconception that if you are depressed you "aren't living the gospel" But that isn't the case. There are very real physical and physiological causes of depression. You may feel that there is no knot left at the end of your rope to hang onto. Reaching out for answers is very wise. I wish I had answers for you, and I hope that someone does. Because feeling this way REALLY sucks. Some of your physical symptoms did raise a question for me. The fact that you said you have had flu like symptoms for a long time. That could be a lot of things I suppose, but it is also one of the big symptoms of fibromyalgia. Do you think there is any chance that could be one of your issues? Might be worth looking into. And fibromyalgia also usually is accompanied with chronic fatigue and Depression. Just a thought. I am praying for you to find some help soon. I certainly don't know what the answers are. I have been trying to find them for myself as well. I have been taking Isagenix vitamin packs for a month now, and using the shakes. I think I was just so far down that it is taking a long time for them to build me back up. But I am finally beginning to notice a little difference. However there is one thing that I have noticed since shortly after beginning and that is that I haven't had a single "hot flash" and the "flu like" pains from the fibromyalgia are less frequent. So I believe there is hope and help on the horizon with them.
Really don't know what else to say, except try to hang in there. You WILL find answers, I am certain. You are also very loved. And you are doing a great job with everything that you have on your plate right now. I love your positive attitude and your faith that you will get thru this and find answers. I can't imagine walking in your shoes...raising 5 children, with the youngest being a year apart and the oldest a teenager, having a very involved calling, getting little sleep, constantly giving compassionate service to others. No wonder you feel depleted physically and emotionally. No wonder you find joy to be illusive. Who wouldn't?
Won't say anything else, except I love you and I am SO sorry that I am not more help to you. I hope that I can get to a point soon, physically and emotionally, where I can.
Depression is crap. It takes over your entire life, alienates you from those you need most, and doesn't really have any great solutions. Medications are helpful only as far as they help you to function enough to be able to heal. They don't fix the problem, but when used cautiously, allow you to climb out of the "hole" enough to see the faint light at the end of what seems like a very long tunnel. With time and patience, it will get better. Don't beat yourself up when nothing you do works...Sometimes life is just hard and for whatever reason, no amount of prayer or study or faith takes that away. At least not immediately. But if you just keep going through the motions...eventually you'll be okay and able to enjoy life again. You're not alone, you're not crazy, and you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
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